Forgiveness
by Amber Hastings
Summary: It is odd how an event that doesn't happen to you can affect you up to defining who you are. It wasn't her fault, she didn't even know of it; however, she had to endure the consequences. It had been enough. Now, she had to let it go. R&R.


_**Summary**: It is odd how an event that doesn't even happen to you can affect you to the point of define who you are. It wasn't her fault, she couldn't avoid it and she didn't even know of it; however, she had to endure the consequences. It had been enough. Now, she had to let it go. *First English fic* R&R._

_Disclaimer: Law and Order SVU and characters doesn't belong to me._

_Based of an episode. You'll know which one._

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It's odd how an event that doesn't even happen to you can affect you to the point of define who you are.

An event that marked the beginning of her existence, that she was not even aware of, that was completely out of her control. An event she could not do anything about, but its effects were able to define the kind of life that she would have, for better or for worse. Tough times were predicted, along with a burden that anyone shouldn't have to handle.

That day, the one she learned the truth about her birth was one of the most devastating she had experienced. She wasn't exactly a child anymore, so there was a lot of damage already done… but she thought she had lived in the shadows long enough. And, just as she was hoping hen she decided step out of those shadows, everything made sense, her life took on a new meaning, one that she could understand but couldn't accept right away.

That night, while having a well insured fight after going through half bottle of vodka, Serena finally answered the question her daughter had been asking her for years: "Why?" But her answer came out laced with blame, anger and frustration: "You0re here because I was raped!" the misery that sized her teenage daughter couldn't be higher.

Never before, could she understand her mother's inability to love her. She couldn't understand why she blamed her for her misery, why she took all of her misery out on her, especially when she drank, why she ended up covered in bruises at least three times a week, why she had learned not to show her face to her mother on her birthday and not to ever mention anything related to her father. But what she understood the least was why she could detect fear in her mother's eyes every time she was angry and let it show. It was as if she thought that her daughter could hurt her by just looking at her, as if the intensity of her look could destroy her entirely. Those times her mother seemed so tiny, so vulnerable that she wasn't sure who was the child and who was the adult. What the girl didn't know, and Serena wasn't brave enough to tell her that night, was that she had her father's eyes. That of all the features that she could get thanks to genetics, she had the bad luck of inherit the only part that wasn't hidden by the rapist's mask. However she was a smart girl and when she came to think about it, it wasn't that hard to figure out. To her, it couldn't be more credible and logical; so she decided it had to be the truth. That's why she wasn't someone who shows herself angry or mad; on the contrary, she is careful to keep the warmth and softness on her eyes at all times.

When she knew all of that, she couldn't bring herself to be mad at her mother, she couldn't blame her for how unfair she had been to her, neither could she face her or console her and tell her it wasn't her fault, she couldn't tell her she didn't hate her that she would be incapable of hating her. Because all she could feel after the initial shock, was a huge sadness and compassion for the woman who decided to have her, despite the circumstances. Those feelings overwhelmed her completely and took permanent residence in her heart.

It's been many years since then and her life had change a lot. The little girl that sported inexplicable new bruises each week and had learned to look after herself since she was a two-year-old didn't exist anymore. Obviously, the woman she had become wasn't too different. She was still strong, independent, stubborn and reserved, but now she didn't spend her nights in tears asking the shadows why she had to be so different from all the other kids. Actually now she didn't have time to even think of herself. She was a pole officer now, second grade detective in the Special Victims Unit, where every single moment of her life was spent in helping victims of rape and domestic violence. When she wasn't getting a statement, or questioning a suspect, or interviewing witnesses, or notifying families, or doing any other activity work-related, she found herself too damn tired to even consider thinking of the past; after all it was there where it all had stayed, in the past. However, it didn't mean she had forgotten, no, she could never be able to forget.

Right after she had learned the truth about herself, she felt guilty. For years, ignorance and incomprehension had built a wall inside her that protected her of unfounded accusations that made her angry and allowed her to endure countless beatings. But that night, some of what her mother had told her reached the deepest of her soul and started to crumble that wall, now she finally understood why she was the reason of her mother's despair. And she felt ashamed of herself, of her anger towards her mother. She had to redeem herself. She thought that if she joined law enforcement and devote her life to help victims of heinous crimes she could demonstrate her mother and herself that her life was worth living, that she could balanced her origin with hard work, that she could amend the mistake that was her existence. In her eyes, that was the way she could earn her place in the world. After all, she wasn't supposed to be born, it wasn't natural, and apparently, her mother thought so, too. However, with her experience over the years in SVU, she came to the realization that it wasn't true and that she wasn't alone in her sentiment. In her line of work she met a lot of more unfortunate people than her mother, people who had experienced so much worse and whose memories haunted them day and night. They needed her, so she had to be strong for them and help them in every way she could. She never had trouble to relate to them, to understand them and to know what they needed from her. That's part of what made her a good detective. Besides, she had her colleagues who she could call her friends. The respected and admired her as a person, regardless of the tragedy that mark her. And for that she was grateful, even if she didn't say it a lot. They had become her family, the squad and her job was all that mattered now. And her partner was the most valuable relationship no doubt, the only constant for the major part of her life.

Despite everything, she felt grateful for the life she had: she was doing what she loved, she was good at it, she could help others to move on and counted with her colleagues and best friend support anytime she needed it. The events that flooded her past, though painful, made her face a part or the world that continues to be unknown for a lot of people, made her grow up and became stronger, in short, made her the person she is now. And when reflecting on her childhood years and how she came to stand where she is now, a burning feeling took over her heart while her mind filled with memories of her mother. A feeling that overcame, for the first time, the resentment that had ruled her for so long. She was able to finally forgive her mother for the damage she had caused her as a child and could honestly thank her for decided to bring her to this world allowing her to experience everything she had lived until now, good and bad; specially since she could have easily aborted her righting the wrong and reverting her life to its natural order.

Today, after so many years, she could sincerely believe what Serena had told her once the hangover had pass, when she became aware of the way she had released her pain the night before. Now, standing in front of her mother's grave, Olivia could say, without equivocation, that her mother loved her with all her heart in her own way. That she loved her from the very moment she learned of her, as only a mother could love her daughter: fully and unconditionally.

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**Thank you for rea****ding! **

**I was a little nervous about writing in English, so if you found grammar, spelling or any other mistakes, please let me know.**

**I'll be pleased if you give me a review. **


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